The green is our new kitchen paint color. I like it!! I'll have to put up pics of our back hallway as well. And my new bath towels. I'll get around to it sometime... maybe.
Okay, I have a confession to make. I'm getting scared. My normal method of "don't think about it and it won't scare you" isn't really working any more. It works for me for a lot of things, but this is huge. The biggest and most important thing that will ever happen to me, besides marrying my husband.
I don't know what it is that scares me about giving birth, I guess probably "the unknown" is scary enough. Just not knowing what's going to happen, or how it's all going to pan out... there are so many different unknowns and things. And I admit, baby is moving around a lot right now, like, more than usual, and it's freaking me out a little, because--though he had turned sunny-side up--he's at least been head down for a long time, but with all this moving I'm really worried about his head moving elsewhere. I probably shouldn't worry so much. He's just probably getting restless... maybe I am going to go into labor very very soon!! You know, tomorrow night is a full moon... a blue moon, even!! And maybe my baby will be like me. Allow me to explain what I mean by that. The day that I was born, my mom's parents were flying back home from New York. My dad was going to pick them up at the airport in SLC. Before they left, they called my mom. They asked if I had showed up yet (I was late). No baby yet, my mom told them. But when they got to the airport, there was no one there to pick them up. In the time it took them to fly home from New York, my mom's water broke, she went into labor, and had me!! Well, my mom is flying in tomorrow night, and if my baby decides to take after me, we might be in the hospital when she gets here!! We, however, have called in some back-ups in case that happens. :)
Oddly, the actual labor part doesn't scare me too bad. I've felt labor pain before. I've dealt with labor, drug free once (and somewhat drugged the second time, but I do remember quite a bit of pain still), so I know what's coming as far as that goes. Though, I suppose labor will be quite a bit different with a full term baby, but knowing that I get to take this one home... that makes all the difference in the world. It's the pushing that scares me I think. Well, that, and not knowing how long labor will last. Or when it's going to start!!
Wow, writing this all out is so therapeutic. I'm also worried about adjusting to life with a baby. I mean, we've got all the stuff we need, I think, and then some... but honestly, it hasn't fully sunk in, what's coming. And I don't think it's going to right away. I worry about how we'll adjust, how our dogs will adjust, and how the baby will adjust to us, and being in the "outside world." And what if I don't feel that "connection" to my baby? I know, these are all pretty normal worries, right? I know, deep down, that I will absolutely adore my little boy. But there's still that fear in the back of my brain.
And I worry about being able to keep him safe, protect him from everything. I know that you can't protect your kid from everything, but I know that I will want to. That's the nice thing about having him inside me, at least I know he is safe as long as I am. But once he's out, he could be dropped, roll of a couch, get really sick, anything could happen!! And I won't be able to protect him from any of it. *sigh* I guess ultimately that's what his life is about... he will grow and grow, and become more and more independent, and....
No, I can't think about that just yet. He's going to grow up SO fast, I need to enjoy every. single. second. Not focus on the fact that some day he will grow up, and be all independent, and not want to cuddle and hold my hand, and all that. I have to focus on all the special little moments. Whew... so much to think about. And gosh, it's almost 1:30 in the morning, I should probably try to get some rest!! Just in case I go into labor in the middle of the night or something crazy like that....
4 comments:
Oh sweetie, you have officially become a Mommy! All of this worrying is just part of the job and completely normal. It never goes away!
I don't think he is turning breech, they don't have a whole lot of room in there near the end, so it's pretty hard for them to do that.
The things about falling and everything, he might fall and if he does it will be ok. Because you will be there to scoop him up and give him a big kiss to make the boo boo better. Just as you are protecting him in your belly you will do when he is out but in a different way. You won't be able to stop little things from happening all the time, but you will be really good at making them better!
You are going to do fine with labor, it's so different when you are full term and there will be a little baby in your arms. It gives you something to keep going for, the pain is gone in an instant once you are holding him(this is why people keep having them, you forget really fast!!!)
You are going to be such a great Mom, Nolan is already a lucky little boy!
i cant help much with the labor worries, since i only labored briefly & got rushed off for a c-sec, but if that happens to you, a c-sec isn't THAT bad. not idea, but manageable & in the end, all that matters is that you & N are safe & healthy. (duh!))
& moms never stop worrying. he will fall, & get sick, & there might be days when you seriously consider selling him to the gypsies. & maybe the connection won't be there right away. but it WILL come-- just think how well you (& only you) know him already! & instead of keeping him safe in your belly, you'll get to HOLD him & snuggle him, & even when he drives you nuts, you'll know that YOU can love him & care for him in a way that no one else in the world can, even daddy. (it's one of the perks of being mom!)
you will be an AMAZING mom, mandy. you've worked for this, & waited for this, prayed for this, & whether you know it or not-- you are ready.
You're such a beautiful glowing mama! Sending you hugs and calming vibes. Everything you're talking about is oh so normal. And in my experience, come labor time, you will be so focused on then and now, everything will just fall into place!
As for once your baby comes, I have no doubt in my mind that you will be an incredible mommy! It sure can be scary at times when you feel like you have no clue what to do, but you will work it all out because you are amazing and you will show your sweet little man just what an amazing mommy you will be!
HUGS
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