Playing Catch-Up

I haven't been very diligent about updating this blog. I'm sorry about that! It's been a crazy year, and I'm afraid I got out of the habit amidst the chaos. This has just been on the back burner. But I was thinking tonight about all the things I need to update on. So, where do I start? Maybe with the most obvious topic--baby N! He is 11 months now, as of yesterday! He can feed himself with a spoon, he can say daddy, dog, mama, hi, yeah, bye, and ee-go (here you go). He gets into everything, and especially the dogs' water bowls and the toilet paper. It's a bit frustrating. I'm sure once he's walking unassisted he'll be into even more stuff! He can walk while holding onto furniture or pushing his little push-toy. He can wave bye-bye, give kisses, and "wrestle" with the dogs, LOL! He can unlatch our big dog's crate, too! Needless to say, the dogs really love him... or at least, they love cleaning up after he eats! He also enjoys helping me unload the dishwasher and move things from the washer to the dryer. He gets a HUGE smile on his face when I tell him "thank you" for handing me a spoon or an item of clothing when he's helping me. Oh, and he also likes pulling blankets up over his face so you can't see him, and when you say "where's N?" he'll pull the blanket away with a huge smile, and I'll say "there you are!" or "peek-a-boo!" and he just laughs and laughs! He is a real joy to have around, I feel so blessed to have him in my life and my home.

As far as Michael, he is nearing the end of his schooling career (hopefully). This should have been his last term, but in the middle of the term, after he had taken his credit-by-exam class, they told him it didn't count because they got a new department head who changed the rules. We're pretty ticked about it, but fortunately we are supposed to at least get our money back, since he didn't get the credit for the class. So, now he has to take Speech 111 next term. But after that, he should be finished... fingers crossed! He also finally got the promotion he's been waiting a very, very long time for. We're hoping a raise will come soon. He was promoted from manufacturing technician to engineering technician. I don't know what all that entails, but I think he enjoys it more, it's a bit more stimulating than just pushing buttons.

And as for me, my education is still on hold since Michael isn't done. I guess I'm a little relieved, since I'm still trying to figure out what to study. I guess maybe I should just pick something and stick with it... but I just don't want to stick with something if I end up hating it. And in big news... I found out I have depression and anxiety. I began to suspect it in September when I was at my doctor's office. I was reading a poster about depression and it listed some possible symptoms. I went down the list and said "yep, I have that, and that, and that, and... wow, it all makes so much sense now!" See, back in June I noticed that I was exhausted all. the. time. N was a pretty good sleeper, so I just couldn't understand why I was so drained. I could take 2 or 3 naps a day and it wouldn't touch the tired. So that was my big clue that something was wrong. After the death of my grandma and some other traumatic stuff in October, it hit me like a brick. I knew it was depression. So I found a licensed therapist who happens to be LDS like us (he actually was our adoption case-worker when we were doing our adoption papers!) and started seeing him once a week. I am also on an anti-depressant to help with the physical aspect of things. I have seen a vast improvement in the way I feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. For anyone who has had depression, you will know what I mean when I say you experience a loss of hope. You feel hopeless, helpless, useless, lots of things that end in -less. But now, I feel hopeful again! I have the energy and motivation to clean my house! You should see my kitchen! Okay, well maybe not the kitchen table (it's a "hot spot" where clutter collects, LOL) or the floor (it's winter in Oregon and we have two dogs--can you say MUD?!) but we have clean dishes, an empty, shiny sink and clean counter tops and stove top! That is HUGE for me--I haven't kept a clean kitchen since I got married, this is a first! I have also managed to stay on top of the laundry (you'd be surprised how much laundry 3 people make! And it certainly doesn't help that we cloth diaper!) which, again, is HUGE for me because I have been in the habit of washing stuff and then letting it sit in the laundry basket for weeks and weeks and we just used our stuff straight out of the basket instead of the dresser or the closet. I didn't feel like I could go to all the trouble to put stuff away, it was "too hard." It's an incredible feeling, to be able to say "I CAN do this! It's not too hard!" instead of thinking about all the things I "can't" do!

To many people--especially those who have not dealt with depression--this may sound ridiculous. To them I say, lucky you! Be thankful you don't understand it firsthand. I also want to point out that having depression is not just "feeling sad." Sadness is an emotion, depression is a mental and physical condition! You can't just "get over it" or "cheer up." You can't just stave it off by eating lots of bananas. And you know what? It's okay to take an anti-depressant if you need to. I wasn't excited about it, but I realized that things had gotten bad enough for me that I needed to give my body a little extra push. But the effects of the meds are minimal compared to the help my therapist has given me. It's wonderful to have someone to talk to who understands from a professional viewpoint what you're going through and can tell you that it's normal--but more importantly, that it can be overcome! The therapy is far more important than any anti-depressant, because it is getting to the root of the problem, instead of just treating the symptoms.

Okay, I guess I'll get down off my soapbox and get to bed! Part of what I've been working on in therapy is building stable routines, and one of the things I'm working on is going to bed at a decent hour... I was supposed to turn my computer off at 9:30 and get ready for bed, be in bed by 10 and asleep by 11... it's 11:03, oops! :)